From January 1998.

Reposted because mmcirvin reminded me of his fabled Magnum Opus (written at age 10) Watch Your Brain as part of International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day.

...

James "Kibo" Parry wrote:

WATCH MY BRAIN!!!

___


We were watching the brain.

( Read more... )

Suddenly I realised that it was _this_, not watching the brain, that would be the solution to all our problems. From that point forward I knew that this was something that the world had to know.

My one duty was get the word out.

Plorkwort wrote:

...conduct the ceremony in a church filled in stained-glass jello?

___
'What!?'

'I want us to have the ceremony in a church filled with stained-glass jello,' I repeated nervously.

Oh dear, he wasn't taking this well.  A hole to somewhere unpleasant opened in the pit of my stomach.  It was happening again...

'No. NO!'

No, no! My thoughts echoed his words.  I hated this. I hated it.  I always seemed to make a mull of it, and he'd seemed so promising.  He was glaring at me now, fiercely and with lots of moustache...

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At that, both of them, Demon and Elf together, rolled their eyes to the heavens.  Yes, from behind my closed eyelids I heard them do it.

It was quite obvious I was losing the argument, even with myself.

Jacob W. Haller wrote:

Lots42 The Library Avenger wrote:

I know it's a weird subject line but Google has shown men that people are actively and seriously saying they'd vote for Hitler over Bush.

Anyone who says that should be locked in a room with Holocaust survivors.

I think there may be certain aspects of this scheme that you have not thought through completely.

___

Yup.

HITLER = DEAD
BUSH   = NOT DEAD

This means that you really get CHENEY whichever one of those two is at the top of the ticket, however because of HITLER's not alive state Cheney immediately ascends to the office of president upon election whilst BUSH just continues to uselessly stink the place up.

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Anything else is a WASTED VOTE.

Eb Oesch

wrote:

EAT MORE PEOPLE

___
.. Advice from the Cannibalism Council

EAT MORE CANNIBALS

.. Advice from the Cannibal Cannibalism Council

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James "Kibo" Parry wrote:

                                             -- K.

                                              I wish my real life were
                                              a tenth as perverted as
                                              my imaginary life...

                                             ...instead of 90% as perverted.

___

CUT TO: The War Room.  A large darkened room with a round conference table, seating the Imperial staff, lit brightly from above.  Very much the classic in War Room style.

'Gentlemen, Ladies.  We have a problem.'

'Confidential intercepts obtained from sources I am not a liberty to reveal, but whom the intelligence staff has given a reliability rating of A+ULTRA1, indicate that the enemy has achieved a major research breakthrough in the field of the perverted Sciences.  Professor Leitmotif of the Imperial Institute of Moral Hygiene Prevention will now brief us on the implications of this intelligence.  Professor?'

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CUT TO: A pensive General Interossitor

'Ummm...I don't suppose we could raise hemlines could we?'

Xaonon wrote:

                                      __
            -------------------------/ /------------------------
            |                       /_/                        |
            |                                                  |
            |  Notice: this room will be temporarily unavail-  |
            |  able until 7:00 PM tonight.  We apologize for   |
            |  the inconvenience.                              |
            |                                                  |
            |  P.S. This means KEEP OUT!                       |
            |                                                  |
            ----------------------------------------------------

___

Xaonon opened the door.

It was hard work, harder than it should have been.  The door was resisting him, as if a force on the other side were sucking it shut.  He invoked the mystic powers of Xao! to come to his aid.

'XAO! SEXXXORR!' he roared the invocation as he had never roared it before.

His muscles bulged, his body strawberry rippled and transformed, he became much much hairier, and orders order of magnitude more male, infused with the SOUL of the ELEPHANT.  So male that swirls of pure masculinity sublimed off his male form like carbon dioxide from dry ice.  As his body underwent the transformation his clothes reordered themselves those of a petite Japanese schoolgirl, whilst the summoned corset of Alexander Hamilton provided much needed support and control.

Strange Virginal visions of inappropriate airport restrooms filled his mind.

'nOw, i sHaLL dEfeAT thE poWuH, Of the dOOr!!1!!' he informed the world.

So saying he wrenched the door from its mighty hinges with a piercing battlecry, revealing the stark horror that lay concealed beyond...

...Nothing.  NOTHING.  PURE ABSOLUTE NOTHING.

A quientessance, an ultimate refinement of nothingness, nothing raised to the n'thmost power, honed to it's
sharpest point. Unavailableness so unavailable that it twisted the eyes, drove horror into the soul, and made men mad, with it's uncompromising STARK FIST of UTTER NEGATION.

Yes, THE NEGAROOM had been revealed behind that now shattered door, a kitty fed by minds of precisionist grade with the entire asteroid field of the strongly held Tellus system!

As Xaonon recoilled in shock from the unnatural mind-twisting nothingness, his eyes fell upon a wandering Matt McIrvin, fellow of the college of SCIENCE, who had suddenly stopped his traverse of the newsfroup on seeing the particular nothing he had been looking for suddenly revealed.

'No Xaonon,' he amnidiverted in warning, 'you prize brainless nincompoop, don't do it!'

Ignoring this sound advice from one of the Biggest of the Big Brains Xaonon, determined to protect Civilisation from threat, activated his powers of repulsion and prepared to push the NEGAROOM away...

Mouschi wrote:

NORTH

___

...ever North, across the White Sea.

Or maybe not across; for it seemed as tho' we had been sailing forever now on this half-frozen ocean.  Was there really anything beyond this silent cold emptiness that could be crossed to?

We had a destination, I knew we had a destination.  That one was etched into my bones.  I knew it as certain as I knew the sun would rise in the West with the dawn.  But what that destination was, or where, seemed now to always escape me.  Escape me into to a decoherence of uncertainty all badly encoded at too low a bit rate.

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Oh yes, I knew it. Out there, somewhere behind this lo-fi, blocked and pixellated encoding of a reality, the master tapes were spinning, thread upon a mobieus reel, Chattering their symbols into our unconsiousness.  Reshaping us, sculpting us, inventing us to better fit their purpose. Pushing us always North, ever North...

...deeper into the arms of the White Sea.

Julie d'Aubigny wrote:

Every time I hear about OZ, I learn more about how much I just don't want to WATCH IT EVER.

___

But can you stop it WATCHING YOU...?

It's got all those eyes, you see. ALL THOSE DISCONNECTED BLADE PIERCING EYES OF TERROR, spread out across a continental landmass, searching for a peephole into the panopticon singularity that connects directly to the inside of your heads.  Oh Yes. The inside of your heads with their Sofas, and their Chrome Dinettes and 1916's Modified dogs, and Calico Kittens on special doillys.

Let me make this quite clear...

...THE PRESIDENT WANTS A CALICO KITTEN, even if an Ashcroft in pained extremis denies the existence of her B3 bomber. 'Arf' she says instead, she says 'Arf!'  He did't want to know about those vitamins anyway. The previous statement about them is already inoperative. This is about John Kerry and Bernstein's shabby journalism, of OZ or AU, not other precious metals, and their impeding of a return to the gold standard and it's singing nuns in lederhosen voting for A MAN OF STEEL who WITH HIS IRON WILL has saved Kurt Waldhiem's brane from the undead nazi hunters of ol' London Town.

Bunch of whinging pommes.

Next question please.  Helen?